Offering to help

When you’ve gathered your belongings and set off for the door, keys in hand, and you ask, “Hey. Need anything before I go?” what you are really saying is, “I have something else to do. Are you in such need of help that I should divert my plans?”

It changes quite a bit when we approach someone, empty-handed, sans travelling coat, and we say, “I’d like to help you in some way. What can I do?”

In the first example, we ask someone to press upon us twice: once to change our schedule, and then to do the thing that helps.

The other way — the more generous way — is to show up, unsolicited… not poised to leave, but poised to help.

stephen
Tiny little window

Sometimes, there are thick walls between us. As our relationships develop, we can perforate those walls to some extent, but they never disappear completely.

So when we have an interaction with someone new, all we have is a tiny little window into that person's world. A peephole in the wall.

And that person has a tiny little window into our world.

When those windows align, the temptation is to make generalizations based on what we can see.

It’s easy to forget that we're only looking through a little window. A tiny little window.

We peer so intensely that we forget that the aperture is on the face of a huge building, most of which we cannot see.

Our imaginations and prior life experiences tend to fill in most of the blanks.

If we’re not careful, we'll start to convince ourselves that we know the floor plan of the entire house because of what we can see through that tiny little window. We’ll assume that, for the most part, the house is much like our own.

And we’d likely be wrong.

When you feel your eyelashes brushing against the pane of that tiny window, remind yourself that there’s a vast interior completely hidden from view.

stephen
Doing good, secretly

There’s a deep satisfaction that can be gained by doing something good without receiving credit.

Consciously being generous, in secret.

Doing something right, or kind, with no one knowing.

When the reward of acknowledgement is stripped away, when personal thanks is eliminated from the equation — when you do good just to do good — what’s left is the feeling of having given in the purest form.

stephen
But I’m tired

“But I’m tired” — the same protest a parent might hear from a young child being roused for the day — is a phrase that does not typically change what is presently required of the speaker.

Our tasks and deadlines, generally, are indifferent to our level of energy. Our responsibilities do not ask, “Have you slept well?”

“But I’m tired” is a thought that can start us down the road of doing work begrudgingly.

Of course, it might be true. We might indeed be tired.

Alas, our work — the important work that the world needs of us — that work awaits. It does not lessen because of our fatigue. It does not base its urgency on our desire for rest.

So, there are occasions when we are tired, and we will need to do our work... tired.

* * *

Post Script: When our work involves the safety of others — when the task is to transport passengers or to move equipment on busy highways — our responsibilities indeed ask if we are alert and well-rested. In those situations, go back to bed. Rest. The world needs productivity and generosity — not recklessness.

stephen
Checking email

If you’re obsessively checking your various inboxes, you’re avoiding work. You’re stalling.

You’re waiting for an opportunity to have to react to something that’s coming your way.

Looking for an urgent issue.

Awaiting an emergency.

Here’s the thing: the things that can’t wait — they will find you. You don’t have to seek them. If it’s urgent enough, you will be tracked down.

For now, while there’s nothing incoming, it’s a gift.

You’re not a defense waiting for an offense. For now, it’s just you, and the path forward.

Go.

stephen
What’s the point?
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When breakthrough technology is announced, there are inevitably people whose initial response is, "What's the point?"

Innovators — true innovators — operate on the front lines. The leading edge. They have a vision that is beyond what the masses can see. They have a vision that is beyond what intelligent pragmatists can see.

It makes sense that some people will not see the point in the experimental, or the avant-garde. It's because they're seeking a conclusion when presented with a segue. They're looking for a map when someone opens a new door. They want to read a synopsis for a story still germinating in the artist's mind.

The injustice, of course, is that those who contemptuously questioned the purpose of the bridge will ultimately find themselves happily on the other side of the canyon... ready to ask the next generation of bridge-builders, "What's the point?"

stephen
Walking

We all walk (or roll) at a certain pace, with a certain cadence. A natural speed.

But could you, with a small bit of effort, move just a little faster?

In a measured, but intentional way, could you slightly increase your pace without getting winded?

Probably.

* * *

How about the pace of your work? The urgency with which you are advancing your project? Could you, with a small bit of effort, work just a little faster without sacrificing quality?

With concerted, but not exhaustive effort, could you turn the ratchet on your productivity?

It's worth a try. If you need to dial it back to a slower pace, you can always do that. But for now, let's give it a little more gas. Let's surprise our goals by getting there ahead of schedule.

stephen
Blown call

Some sporting events require officials who need to make judgement calls.

Was the ball in or out? Was the player tagged? Did she catch that? Was that a push?

Inevitably, there will be blown calls. Sometimes it will matter just a little. Sometimes it will change the outcome of the event.

There are times when rulings can be challenged. But not always. Sometimes you just have to live with a bad call.

* * *

Children who play sports have the grand opportunity to learn about this first-hand. Sometimes the bad call is in their favor. Sometimes it’s not. Either way, it does no good to yell at the official.

There might be formal channels to pursue when a player or team thinks they’ve been treated unfairly. But sometimes — often — there's no recourse.

For the kids who learn this early on, it's a valuable lesson. In the real world, sometimes you get the raw end of a bad call, and there are times when you can't do anything about it.

You can dwell on it and hang your head, or you can get back in the game and continue to play your best. You’re not always going to catch a bad call, but when you do — and it’s not the kind of thing that’s going to change your life — it might be okay to just move on.

stephen
You’re being audited

Companies go through various internal and external audits. The books are opened and the records are checked.

Is the company doing what it says it's doing? Are there anomalies or inconsistencies? Do corrective actions need to take place?

* * *

Now, imagine that you're the one being audited. Not financially — bigger than that. Your life. Your relationships. Your integrity.

Are there some things you'd like to hide from the auditor? Records you'd like to destroy? People you don't want to be interviewed?

Does your diet pass the test? Your internet browsing history? Your use of time? Your follow-through with commitments?

Well, there's not going to be an audit. That's the gift. You can take an inward look right now, and make the corrections all on your own. Your unhealthy choices and embarrassing habits never have to see the light of day. You have the ability to make changes today.

Now is the moment to do it.

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stephen
The story of your life

If a book was written about your life, what form would it take? Which would feel most appropriate? Memoir? Biography? Autobiography? Poetry? How-to?

And consider the list shown adjacent to your book. The sections of "you also might like..." or "customers who viewed this item also viewed..."

What would be shown there?

Meaning, what stories and ideas are intertwined with the story of your life — you know, the complex, beautiful story that you get to self-publish day by day?

stephen
Thank you for your patience

I recently ate some fast food via drive-through. When I got to the window, the attendant was very apologetic, as the line had moved rather slowly.

In hearing the apology, two things came to mind.

One. When an employee acknowledges delays and inefficiencies, it unburdens the customer's need to point it out. By saying, "I know service is slow today. Sorry to keep you waiting," the employee gives the customer a chance to hear, "I know. I'm with you. I, too, wish this was working smoothly. But it's not." There's a subtle suggestion of we're in this together.

Two. When did we get to the point that it's acceptable to be impatient in a fast food drive-through? Clearly, the employee had anticipated frustrated customers. I was not one of them.

  • I did not have to leave the comfort of my vehicle.

  • I did not have to pause my podcast.

  • I did not have to stock groceries.

  • I did not have to prepare food.

  • I did not have to clean any dishes.

Considering the amount of money I paid and the length of time I had to wait, my paper-bag meal was nothing less than magic.

And by not complaining, I was even thanked for my patience.

As far as I'm concerned, I came out ahead in the deal.

stephen
RSVP

When we can't physically attend an event, we send our regrets. We explain that there's a schedule conflict. "It was a difficult choice, but I have other obligations."

And yet, there are times when we are physically present, but mentally elsewhere.

True, sometimes you're invited to fill a seat. To witness. To be seen.

But many times, you're invited because of your ideas. Your ability to contribute. Your personality. Your temperament.

On the occasions when you're unable to be present — mindfully present — consider politely declining the invitation.

We don't need the seat to be kept warm. We need you, and all that you bring to the table.

stephen
An instrument for a mouthpiece

Instruments like saxophones and trumpets have detachable mouthpieces. These are the parts through which air is blown.

Played by themselves, the mouthpieces make funny squeaking or buzzing sounds. Attached to their instruments, however, clear tones are possible — sounds which are much grander and more versatile than the mouthpieces can make independently.

With their own particular designs mouthpieces produce distinct timbers. A single mouthpiece will not work for every player, and certainly not for every instrument.

* * *

Here's the thing. Each of us has a kind of instrumental mouthpiece of our own: our voice. It works in a particular way, and there are networks where it will resonate. There are venues and communities where our voice will take hold — where it will cause change to happen.

And at the same time, there are places where our voice is a poor fit. Same effort, same force of breath... but the result is mostly squeaking and buzzing.

Our challenge is not to figure out how a tuba mouthpiece can be forced onto an oboe. Our challenge is to make the right connections with the right instruments. To find instruments which will carry our message with clarity. To engage with the groups and platforms where our voices will resound.

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stephen
This is he

I recently called the mobile phone of a new acquaintance. We had exchanged numbers and set a time in advance. As the call connected, I considered what I would say.

Growing up, I recall the firm protocol, "Hello. This is Stephen. May I please speak to so-and-so?"

And to take an incoming call, the proper reply would be, "This is he." Of course it would be.

But today's technology changes how we connect.

When I call someone's mobile phone, I know who will answer.

And they know it's me calling.

The old lines of dialog, while courteous, don't seem to make sense anymore.

Gratefully, while I pondered these ideas, my new friend answered the phone: "Hi there!"

It turns out, sometimes we don't need to overthink things. Sometimes, we just need to say, "Hi!"

The rest falls in place naturally.

stephen
Cup-filling
 
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If you're filling someone's drink, and you fill the vessel to the very brim, it might seem like you're being generous.

By one measure, you are offering as much as the cup can possibly hold.

Your output shows generosity.

But in practice, the person who gets the brimming cup also gets
the awkward task of carrying it.

The result is usually a wet hand, and a few puddles on the floor.

It's wasteful.

* * *

There's a practicality to generosity that shouldn't be overlooked.

Generosity is not always about how much the giver gives.

  • An overabundance of leftover party food that someone is pressured to take home

  • Bottled water sent to parts of the world where distribution is insurmountable

  • Winter coats donated just prior to the summer heat wave

  • A pile of cash offered to someone who has no idea how to manage it

  • A lecture about life lessons that drones on, and on, and on...

I'm not saying, "Don't be generous." Not at all.

Be generous. Be very generous.

But know the recipient. Begin with empathy. Understand what they need, and what they are capable of accepting. Then – by all means – give.

stephen
Attention

You probably wouldn't bring a letter opener and the daily postal delivery to your meeting.

You probably wouldn't sort junk mail.

You probably wouldn't take out stationary to write a letter.

You probably wouldn't open up a yearbook or photo album.

* * *

Yet during meetings, we see people reading email.

We see people scrolling social media feeds.

They sit down to check in, and then pull out their phones to check out.

Don’t forget: your attention is important to us. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t have invited you.

stephen
Your imagination

We assume that some people have negative thoughts about our work – quiet thoughts that are never relayed to us.

But isn't it reasonable to assume that other people have positive thoughts about our work – other quiet thoughts that are never relayed to us?

Not all detractors will be vocal about it. They will quietly dismiss your work.

And not all supporters will be vocal about it. They will quietly love your work.

When you're imagining what people think, don't waste time on the detractors. Think instead about all the positive reviews that never make it to print. The praise that is never spoken. The affection that some of your fans keep in the quiet of their hearts.

The good stuff is out there, even if you don't always hear it.

stephen
First in line
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When you're at the front of the line in a left-hand turn lane, you have a job to do. When the arrow turns green, move. Turn with confidence. Operate the vehicle with a sense of dispatch.

You are setting the tone. You are the pace-maker. When you delay with your start – when you lag – everyone who follows lags too.

When you go first, when you speak first, when you respond first, you begin the story.

And if you stumble out of the gate (through carelessness or through unpreparedness) those who follow your lead have to work harder to set the right tone or to correct the pace. Their actions become a kind of response to how you've begun.

* * *

There are times when you will be first in line. First up. First to go. It may be through chance, through election, or through self-selection.

No matter how you got there, when it's your turn... mind the green light.

stephen
Difficult

"It's difficult to get all of that information."

"It's not difficult. You just need to click here, and then here, and then use this drop-down menu to select that, and then click there... Then you repeat that for each one. See? Easy."

* * *

Sometimes, when someone says something is difficult, what they really mean is that it's easy, but terribly inefficient.

That it's difficult because the inefficiency is difficult to tolerate.

stephen
Head nodding

Just because someone looks you in the eye and nods her head – it doesn't necessarily mean that she agrees with you. Just because a person doesn't voice opposition doesn't mean he supports what you're saying. You can tell yourself a different story, but you're not necessarily in the right just because you haven't been confronted.

When you're on the opposite side – and you are seeking someone's understanding or that person's honest perspective – be sure you ask your questions in the right way, with the right context, under the right socially atmospheric conditions. If you don't set the stage for honest discussion, all the head nodding you see might just be people being polite.

stephen